...Clarity

We arrived at Wrights Beach Camping at the usual time of about 10pm... it's dark with some thunder clouds (cumulonimbus) building along the mountains lining the eastern shore of Skaha lake. The air is warm and thick... almost hot despite the time of day. A cold front rubbing against the warm air is creating a magnificent light show.

I'm walking through the campsites with my shirt off taking in the spectacle. Fifteen rain drops fall in all of Penticton despite the humidity and the lightening. Cool but not cold, the drops touch my skin creating a refreshing sensation when combined with the heat of the night. Any thoughts pre-occupying my attention fell to the wayside allowing me to feel rather than think. Something I should probably do more of.

My mind of late has been searching for an answer to questions that have been occupying my thoughts more and more. Now whether these are in response to the pending 10 year grad reunion, or the realization that time has been marching on while I have been pursuing goals solely directed towards climbing, I'm not sure. The other day while at the coffee shop eating lunch, a young woman who doesn't work the lunch shift very often, was questioned about my age by the woman who does. Her first guess was 30... her second was half heartedly 22.

Reflecting on the past five or six years has reminded me of some fairly amazing moments in my life. I think about some of the experiences that I have had and taken for granted as regular occurrences if not daily ones, trying to relive them as though for the first time. I also reflect on the amount of energy I put forth towards climbing and its impact on the decisions I make in my day to day life. Reflect on my spending habits not only in terms of money, but time and how this too effects my life.

For a while a lot of the thoughts were focused on the negative things that have come of my choices. Things that have not happened in my life, the things I have chosen not to participate in, things I do not posses, the inexperience. The inhibitions I have and fears that follow them. All these thoughts lead me think whether I should be redirecting my attention and focus towards other things. Whether I live in a world created by myself, as a means of escaping the parts of life that I choose not deal with as they interfere with my pursuit of climbing. A passion bordering on obsession. Looking around me, people are buying houses, getting married, have children, investing in the future, in some cases working from 9am until 9pm. All lasting commitments. I do not fall into this life style yet parts of it appeal to me.

I used to be able to sit in front of a boulder problem or stand in front of a route and have a clear mind and sense of certainty that brought with it peace and focus. I do not have this right now.

The following morning arrives with bright blue sky and a brilliant sun. The air, though cooler than the previous night, reveals a warm day ahead. I slide out of the sleeping bag and into my climbing pants. Once opened, the tent door and vestibule frame a picture of beauty. Light blue morning sky sitting atop a layered hill side, cut horizontally with canyons of various sizes revealing rock faces of the Gneiss variety. Tree's spattered across the hillside down to a rich deep blue lake that spills onto the stretch of beach in front of my dirty feet.