Sometimes...

I'm still having a hard time believing that I will never again feel her sweet kiss...
her warm body in my arms... become intoxicated with the smell of her hair and skin...
....feel her love...

Deep down I have a fear...
...a fear that knows I will never find anyone like her.
That she is one of a kind...

I laugh a little because I still love her... love her more than a friend, even though a friend is all I am now.
I laugh a little because a girl, whom I didn't even know existed seven months ago, who is still so young... could affect me in this way. Even now when we hang out none of what has happened in the last two weeks between us comes to mind. I'm lost in the moment of spending time with her... laughing, talking... hearing about her adventures, work, family and friends! Nothing else enters my mind until I feel an urge to hold her hand... or put my arm around her to keep her warm.

I still wonder why this happened at all... it is not clear to me why this had to end now...
...*chuckle*

Please don't get the wrong impression... I respect the decision made and can live with it... this is merely me, writing what's on my mind... some of the thoughts and questions I have.

She told me, or maybe warned me, numerous times... 'I'm a complicated girl' in her French accent rolling off her pouty lips in a way that would melt the heart of any man. With her wide eyes mesmorizing me with stare that pierces to the core. All I can think to myself is 'I want you to be happy... hopefully I make you happy'.

I asked myself a question on one of the few evenings we didn't spend together. The question was, 'If she asked me to move to France... for her... would I?'

A friend told me the other day that when a relationship ends in such a way that one person is completely unaware that something was even wrong, that all you remember are the good times. That it is hard to see the bad times that caused the situation. I think that's what confuses me the most right now, because in my eyes there were no bad times to blame anything on! For me this was so sudden that it still doesn't make sense that it happened at all! Sure whole thing lasted two weeks before something was decided, but the initial problem felt like it had come about in the period of one day.

Sometimes this makes me sad... and I don't know what I can do, or could have done to make things different. Part of me wants to fight for her, try to make her see things my way.
But to what end?
Her leaving a couple months later anyways?
Another part of me feels that I shouldn't have to make her see things my way... if it was meant to be.

Then this small part of me realizes that I think too much and should just go too sleep... because in the morning it will be a new day and life will go on. You never really know what life has in store for you! Just when you think you have it all figured out...
:)

*All I want is for you to be happy! Remember that! ;)

...Starbucks?!

I think I just came to a realization that maybe the reason I've been feeling a little strung out with some wierd mood swings is due to a steady increase in the amount of coffee I have been drinking...

...I think I'm going to stop drinking coffee and see what happens :)

Fuck! Shit!
Sometimes I really should just keep my mouth shut and not say anything...

...after a really good weekend, I had to go and bring it up again...like an idiot.
I realized mere moments after saying something that I should stop being so impatient and wait to see where things go...

...I really hope this doesn't adversely affect anything!

Everythin' is Gunna Be Alright...!

After five days of pondering the wants and needs of my heart without knowing the intention of the other heart involved...

Frustration and confusion of not knowing and then knowing but not understanding...
Mis-interpretation of words, feelings and intentions of both mind and heart (more so on my part)...
Over reacting in my head and over analyzing creating restless nights and loss of sleep...

Not to mention this enormous ball in my stomach...

I remembered a couple key things that set me at ease... released me from my over-active imagination...
a.) I love her.
b.) She loves me.
c.) What happens... happens... all I can do is enjoy my time here, with her :)
d.) And in the immortal words of Bob Marley 'Everythin' is gunna be alright!'

Hopefully this experience makes us both stronger and better people in the lives we lead!

I regret nothing!
...and I hope she doesn't either!

:)

Ps. I have some very amazing friends! I'm lucky...