A Moment of Weakness...

As I flip through the pictures stored on my phone, looking for the one of the Tiberghien family to email... I discover pictures that I had taken of her. Each one flooding my mind with the memories from the past six months, both good and bad.

...mostly good :)

[...fuck...]

...Compassion or the Lack there of...

I waiting at the traffic lights for the intersection of Montrose and George Ferguson when I noticed a gentleman standing at the corner pushing the button to activate the cross walk. He was wearing a hat and holding a pole with a fuzzy round end on it. I sat there wondering what the pole was about and why he looked like he was staring off in space.

He was pushing the button repeatedly with conviction. The my light turns green and the car in front starts to pull through the intersection and turn left onto George Ferguson. Slowly I might add. I roll forward still watching the gentleman push the button with seemingly increased frustration.

The car in front of me continues through the intersection and I slowly follow. The only [coherent] thought in my head being 'why isn't he crossing the street?'. And then it dawned on me as I continued through the intersection, that he is trying intently to hear the chirrrp or bleeep that is associated with the majority of the cross walks in the Abbotsford downtown area. A signal for blind people that it is okay to cross the street, only this crosswalk was void of any bleeeping or chirrrping.

Another series of thoughts came to me...
How long has this poor guy been standing at this light?
How many times has he pushed that button?
Why is there no audible signal at this light?
Why has no one yelled at him that the light was good or stopped to help?


...Why...
...am I not stopping to help him?

...I'm slightly ashamed to say I continued driving...

...Language Barriers cont'd...

Language strikes again... after talking some more with her a realization dawned on me... that I was way more confused about what was going on than I needed to be. All this was brought on by a discovery that her use of tenses was used inappropriately creating a false timing for certain events in relation to other events. As well as misinterpretation of intended meanings, being that certain words were used in a context that would lead someone (myself) to believe that things were still happening even though, really they weren't... anymore. It doesn't excuse the fact that the initial events happened over an unacceptably short period of time, or seemingly so... but... I'm done with that.

All of this over numerous conversations had lead to a ball of confusion... swirling around in my head as I tried to understand her, and what she was/is thinking about me and other people. It was getting to the point where I was contemplating whether I was strong enough to still be friends with her because of how I was feeling. Because of this confusion it had made things seem worse to me, than they truly were. I realize this today and thinking about it makes me a little bit embarrassed that I would have threatened a friendship over something as simple as the context of a sentence or paragraph!

I laugh now... seeing that maybe my past blogs about this very topic may have served to be a form of foreshadowing to the mess of emotions I've been trying to deal with over the last month.

lol!!
:)

Analysis...

Through numerous discussions with CaM... I have gone through what some would call a phase of self analysis and discovered a few things about me that I either didn't know or knew but forgot somewhere along the way... they are listed in the order they came to me...

• Girls with French Accents, Long Legs, Ridiculously Cute Smiles, Wide eyes and Shape... drive me crazy in all ways possible!
• I think too much... maybe at some point in my life I took the phrases like 'look before you leap' and 'think before you speak' too literally and therefore have prevented myself from taking risks that could have helped me become a better, more well rounded person with more life experience than I currently have.
• I can love some one who occasionally smokes... (this is a big deal).
• I can love and feel loved by others.
• I can hurt more than I ever thought possible.
• I can be angry with someone and still love them.
• I can be jealous... a feeling that I had considered myself to be better than... apparently I need to work on that still.
• I'm not doing, nor currently planning to do any of the things I would like to while I'm still young(ish). I would like to change this... soon.
• I have become a working stiff by the age of 26... and am for some reason ashamed of it. And somewhat fear full that if I lose/quit my job... my life would become uncomfortable.
• I only do some of the things I consider fun... and may have become a bit of a prude because of it. I take myself a little too seriously.
• I have not been living life to the fullest. I currently live more for the distant future than for the present or very near future. I would like to change this.
• The desire to live my life and experience everything in it with someone else, runs deeper than I ever imagined. I have a fear of being alone in life despite the fact I'm surrounded by great friends and family.

[Arbyn should love this :) ]

...Finally

I finally told her what has been on my mind for the last couple days...
...maybe now I can sleep.

It hurt to tell her... I hate making people sad.

After she left I just sat in my car for 10 minutes. Staring at the condo's being built across the street as the rush of blood left my face...

I hope we are still friends... that I didn't scare her away.
It would be a shame to lose that friendship after all that has happened.